the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
