May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
