well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
