Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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