youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
