I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
