I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
