When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
