Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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