can we get nightvision for the apartment?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
