Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
