The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
