First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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