I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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