Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
