I wish they made helmets for livers.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize