If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I AM VODKA MAN
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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