He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize