I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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