Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
