Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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