we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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