Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Floor bacon is actually really good
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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