just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
