I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
