Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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