last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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