she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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