I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
