I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
