LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
