Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
