he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
