Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I touched a dick in church today
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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