She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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