I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
