Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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