why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
