i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
