I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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