what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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