So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
