I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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