How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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