I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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