Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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