I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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