Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I love you. Go after that dick
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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