I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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