I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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