The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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