On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
