Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
