I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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