FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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